A dark new comer

I never imagine about him. I never think that he will become a part of my family and take my place. I try to keep silent and ignore everything. It is useless, the more I am in my silence the more he does anything he likes.

…

They kept fight and argued about a man. My sister loved him so much and my mother forbade my sister to be with that man. Then, my sister cried a lot everyday. Sometimes she forced us—I and my mother— to believe her, to face that she needed to marry in order to feel the real happiness. She was bored because of her life—our family life— which was hard and so complicated. She said she needed a man, who would be able to give her feeling how to be loved.

They shouted by turns endlessly. The only stopped talking when they felt exhausted yet if they had a lot of energy they kept all day long. It was as if they were the only one who lived at that house. I just pretended not heard nonetheless I heard everything. Sometimes, I followed them and entered their world—debating world— to give some suggestions or defended one of them, then I also became angry, followed to shout.

SEVERAL months later, she finally married with that man and she certainly became a wife. The wedding party of hers was a small-scale party. Everything was too ordinary and poor. The dress of her was a loan from my older cousin. Foods and beverages were made by my aunts not a chef or catering. There was no card invitation, so people just knew mouth by mouth. Moreover, in that event, there was no dishwasher so I, my mother and our neighbor became volunteers for a day. That was so poor and embarrassing.

At that time, my mother was sobbing a lot. I kept quiet and went on my unclear dishes. I knew that she cried because her daughter finally married yet not a marriage like this one that my mother wished, exactly. She talked to me in my eyes. She said that I must be the one who would make her happy and became a good girl. I nodded then.

…

Times keep running unwittingly. They had already become a family for eight months. Through one night, we fought about a small thing. First, that man disliked what my mom behaved. He scolded my mother till I was woken up because of that noisy debating. That man kept his mouth against my mother. I, who just now opened my eyes, became angry and started to scold him back. I didn’t accept his bad treat to my mother. My heart said, now I really hated him so much.

I showed my anger to him even though my heart was actually crying. At this day, that time I in the first time looked his true face. It was so scary than I thought. Tonight became an unforgettable moment, I guessed.

Tomorrow morning, we four were in a big silence, very silent. Speaking when we felt it was really emergency and needed. From that day I never looked at him in eyes again even his face. I refused because my heart was crying when I remembered that night.

It might be too over and excessive. Yet, my sadness was not only because of that night event. I was sad from the beginning when I saw my mother crying at my sister’s marriage party. My mother was disappointed for sure. A daughter whom she had and she saved in a whole of her life and gave her daughter a food also school yet she was not obedient and instead protested to my mother and chose that man, that bad man.

Day by day became worse and worst. Finally I lived in a new boarding house nearby my campus and it meant that I stayed away from my lovely mother. I just could cry, sometimes.

…

SATURDAY and Sunday are my days for visiting my mother and my sister. I am happy on every Friday afternoon because I have to begin to leave when my study time is off. Yet, it is heard my phone vibrating. It is a new message from my sister. It says that I am forbidden to visit because her husband is there. He changes his mind or maybe he is off from his work, jobless. For some weeks, he is there and I am alone here.

He ever told my sister that he hates me because of my behavior and doesn’t want if I come along to my sister. If only, he reflects his appearance to the mirror. He is eventually a man who changing my family life and getting a mess to my family especially my sister.

I am speechless then.

Enaknya, mulai dari mana dulu yaa… emm… (sambil mikir)

sebenernya , gini.. emm… (yahh.. mikir lagi~~”)

aku ngga tahu nih harus mulai nulis dari mana.. lebih tepanya sih, ngga tahu APA YANG MAU AKU TULIS. Jujur, dari dulu aku pengen banget bisa nulis, jadi penulis, terus karyanya bisa di terbitin dan best seller!! Aaaaa…!!! itu kan keren banget!!!

setiap hari, setiap jam mungkin.. sebenernya banyak banget inspirasi yang muncul. mulai dari judul-judul yang bagus, kalimat-kalimat indah yang sekelebat dateng lalu langsung aku tulis (biasanya sih di draft hp). tapi, satu hal yang selalu aku ulangi terus dan terus yaitu MENUNDA UNTUK MENULIS. aku selalu berpikir untuk menulis di lain waktu yang kurasa lebih tepat untuk menulis, tapi ketika aku mulai meluangkan waktu untuk menulis selalu saja inspirasi itu atau bayangan tentang apa yang ingin aku tulis langsung hilang atau juga kosong SAMA SEKALI. seperti sebuah novel yang pernah aku baca dimana halaman tengahnya BLANK PAGE atau hanya berisi kertas kosong. otakku ada (iyalah~~), tapi isi (maksudnya disini cerita yang mau ditulis) ngga ada sama sekali.

inspirasi itu biasanya muncul ketika aku lagi di perjalanan, entah itu perjalanan pulang menuju rumah atau ke suatu tempat. pada saat itu, inspirasi tentang sebuah cerita atau juga banyak cerita muncul. ibarat seperti keran air yang bocor, mengalir tiada hentinya. seperti yang pernah dikatakan oleh seorang penulis atau juga kebanyakan penulis,  berkata atau lebih kepada menyarankan UNTUK MEMBAWA NOTE BOOK atau BUKU CATATAN kemana pun, tapi aku ngga pernah yang namanya membawa buku catatan. yang sering kubawa ialah (hanya) telepon genggam. telepon genggam biasa yang ada keypad’nya. aku menuangkan segalanya (inspirasi) ke dalam draft, mulai dari judul-judul cerita yang menurutku bagus dan kalimat-kalimat yang menarik. contohnya, Fenomena Batu, Bias-bias memori, Satu kelopak yang masih berdiri di tengah hujan (Untuk judul cerita atau juga artikel) dan kalimat-kalimat yang sekelebat muncul, misalnya ketika aku sedang menunggu kereta, Seperti kereta. Aku sudah menunggunya dari berjam-jam yang lalu, sampai bosan. Dan datang ketika aku pupus harapan. atau juga ketika aku sedang memperhatikan jalan, Mungkin sekali-kali kita perlu untuk berdiri. Melihat lagi segalanya, lebih dalam dan menaruh perhatian akan setiap detil sesuatu.Dan seterusnya.

aku ketik segalanya dan aku simpan ke dalam draft. aku biarkan semua itu agar menjadi outline tulisan-tulisanku. tapi, ternyata semua draft itu seperti sepah bahkan yang sama sekali belum aku kunyah. sungguh, aku kesal dan malu pada diriku sendiri. mungkin rasanya itu seperti, menyia-nyiakan kemampuan.

satu hal lain lagi. aku TIDAK PERCAYA DIRI.

aku tidak percaya pada diriku sendiri bahwa aku bisa menulis, aku bisa bercerita, dari awal hingga akhir menjadi cerita yang nyambung dan enak dibaca. aku selalu melihat orang lain, bahwa ada banyak orang yang dapat menulis dengan hebat. tak perlu jauh-jauh menyinggung para penulis buku best seller, banyak teman-temanku yang jagonya bukan main dalam hal menulis. sampai-sampai buat aku minder dan tambah ngga percaya diri. iya, MINDER DAN TIDAK PERCAYA DIRI.

baru saja terlintas kalimat-kalimat yang bagiku indah sekali,

Tidak ada waktu baginya. Sedetik pun, jika itu kemungkinannya. Untuk membagi hatinya, untuk memberi perhatiannya atau juga sekadar melihat. Kepada yang disana.

Entah… Kamu memiliki perasaan itu atau tidak. Tapi sepertinya aku keliru. Mungkin aku yang mencintai lebih dulu.

aku tidak sedang jatuh cinta, tapi hanya dengan mengingat temanku pernah bercerita mengenai perasaannya terhadap seseorang dan aku dapat membuat kaliamt-kalimat seperti diatas itu.

rasanya aneh, memang. banyak inspirasi, tapi sulit sekali untuk menuangkannya dan menjabarkannya menjadi sebuah cerita yang utuh. aku.. masih belum tahu ingin memulainya dari mana dan seperti apa..